Identical Destruction con't of what went wrong
by toxic-addiction
Summary: Pansy sink into depression without Draco. What she doenst know is he feels the same without her. Con't of "what went wrong" one shot fic, deals with cutting and self destruction.


Slept in again. The bell already had rang. Her head was ringing inside. She winced as the sound of the bell rang though her head.  
  
"Damnit" Pansy thought looking at her clock at the end of the four poster bed in her Slytherin dorm. She rolled over blocking the sun out of her eyes with her pillow. "I don't ever want to get out of bed again" She saw the bottle of gin on her nightstand. The mere glimpse of it made her stomach turn flips.  
  
She drew her knees up to her chest, laying on her side with her arms hugging her legs. She curled tightly into a ball, her head swarming with thoughts. An unfinished Potions lab. Transfiguration essay overdue. Herbology report on mandrakes not done. Big surprises.  
  
She couldn't remember the last time she handed in a complete assignment on time. She couldn't remember the last time she had finished an assignment. She went to classes once in a while, knowing the teachers expected her to fail.  
  
Slowly Pansy had stopped talking to the girls. She got quieter and quieter drawing away from them. Millicent was confused at first, but figured it was because Pansy needed time to get over Draco. Pansy never spoke to Blaise after she saw her kissing Draco at the party in the common room. She never had forgiven Draco. She called it quits. She had wanted desperately to throw herself back into his arms when he came pounding on her dorm door apologizing, but she didn't. She couldn't get past the ultimate betrayal of seeing him with Blaise.  
  
She hadn't been able to look at him without the vision of him and Blaise pressed together on the couch appearing. It was all she saw every time she closed her eyes for the last month. Millicent had told her just the other day, the first time she had talked to her in days, that she should just talk to Draco. Grabbe and Goyle asked her to speak to him too. She couldn't face him though.  
  
She stopped showing up to breakfast, no one noticed. They just assumed she had slept in, like she was making a habit of. Then she stopped showing up for dinner. At first people from her house asked why she wasn't around the dinner hall, but she snapped about being tired from classes and always claimed to be going for a nap. She'd eat later.  
  
There never was a later, she hadn't showed up to lunch in two weeks. She'd lost 15 lbs from her already small frame. She didn't even notice. All she saw when she looked in the mirror were green eyes staring back at her plain and dull.  
  
She never had felt so hollow in her life. She sighed in her curled little ball on the bed. She kicked back the blankets that covered her slender body. Her hair was slightly ruffled from sleeping, but she didn't have much time to fix it. She slid to the side of the bed. She looked around the floor. Her clothes were strewn around on the floor. Her books and papers stacked messily on her desk. She had no clean laundry. She hadn't charmed any clean in two weeks.  
  
Her entire life had spun out of control, except for one thing she could control. She looked to her wrists, and toyed with the bandage wrapped around it. She had been conjuring sparks from her wand, burning the flesh on her skin. Instead of using healing spells she used enlarging spells making the cuts and welts bigger. She didn't even feel the pain anymore. Instead she felt control. Since the day of that horrible quidditch match when Potter caught the snitch, Pansy had no control over anything.  
  
Losing Draco cut her to the core. She could have had him back, he had tried to reason with her.  
  
Pansy hadn't seen him after that though, assuming he was avoiding her she tried to get on with things. She never thought that he could be missing her equally as much..  
  
It made her sick to her stomache thinking about it, jealousy taking over inside. She had spent the first week crying, throwing up, and skipping classes. Then meals. Anything to keep her away from people and from seeing Blaise.  
  
Snape had noticed first. Pansy was near the head of the class. Now she was further down on the marks list than Neville Longbottom. He spoke to her and told her it was foolish to get this worked up over a boy. Than McGonagal who hadn't tried to understand, and just handed out detentions, which Pansy wound up skipping as well.  
  
Pansy couldn't sleep now. She drank till she passed out most nights. Others she curled up in ball and cried. Other nights she burnt herself so bad she passed out from the pain. She woke up confused. Often not knowing how she even fell asleep until she thought about it long and hard. Everything around her was a whirlwind.  
  
But today she couldn't cry anymore. And no burn could make her feel better or forget. The sight of booze made her queezy. She couldn't think of anything else to distract her from thoughts of Draco , other than to go to class.  
  
She gathered her books, and slipped into the least dirty of her uniforms and robes. She did a quick hair charm and slipped out her dorm down the stairs. She paused by the porthole to look in the mirror, brushing a stray piece of hair off her fore head. She went to pull open the portrait and at the same time it swung forward quickly. Pansy stumbled back, colliding into someone. She hit the floor with a thud, their weight pressed down on top of her.  
  
Opening her eyes she felt her heart skip a beat.  
  
Draco.  
  
His eyes pierced into hers, with a cold look. She blinked hard. Coughing slightly he sat up, then rose from his knees to his feet. He grabbed her abruptly by the bandaged wrist to help her up, without realizing it, she pulled her hand back from him, but he had already felt the bandage under his grip. "Did you hurt yourself?" He asked  
  
His voice.  
  
It triggered memories that cut like glass through her heart. She staggered slightly, regaining her balance as she stood. "Its fine. Im fine."  
  
He looked at her, his eyes drilling into hers. "Your fine? You don't look fine, or smell fine."  
  
She winced, hearing it from him was the worst. She hadnt heard him speak directly to her in a month. 31 days of missing, wishing, hurting, hating, anguish, grief, and losing.  
  
"I am fine." she insisted.  
  
"Dirty robes?" He hissed, "Stinking like gin? You didn't drinking while we were together. Not coming to class? Failing everything. That sounds fine." He rolled his eyes.  
  
He stared her down, and she felt like shed crumble under the weight of the glare.  
  
"I'm..." she stopped. "I'm late for class if anything."  
  
He grabbed the same wrist to stop her. His eyes drilled into her as though he could see right into her soul. "I haven't seen you in a while Pans." His voice slightly softer than before. He ran his finger along her bandage. "What did you do?"  
  
"Nothing" she said defiantly.  
  
Her eyes shone as they glossed over with tears. She bit her lip. She looked down to the floor at her books where they lay scattered from their fall, then back to his eyes that had looked so empty before.  
  
They suddenly were soft. They reminded her of what they once looked. When he'd whisper in her ear that he loved her.  
  
She shuddered and stepped towards the door. His hand still pressed around her wrist. She looked at him helplessly and watched as he gently touched the wrapped wrist with his right hand, slowly unwinding the bandages around it. He stared down at the scars left from deep burns and welts on her wrist.  
  
He looked to her eyes with a quizzical look.  
  
She screamed silently in her head to run from him to not let him touch her. To not let him trap her and make her feel like she couldn't breathe.  
  
She heard his voice ask "Pans?"  
  
And she cringed as he touched her arm gently, his finger sliding back and forth gently over her cuts and scars. She couldn't breathe, she couldn't speak, she couldn't move. She was frozen under his touch.  
  
Everything flooded back to her as her eyes flooded with tears. "I don't know" she said, her voice sounding like it did when she was younger, more innocent.  
He wiped a tear off her cheek, his fingers leaving her skin burning behind.  
  
"This isn't like you. I don't like seeing you like this." his eye hardening slightly. "What happened."  
  
She muffled a sob, he reached forward, wrapping his arms around her. She felt the power of them surrounding her. The power to protect her. The power to keep her warm. The power to save her from herself.  
  
He kissed her hair as she cried. All of her weight resting against him as they stood by the porthole. She sobbed into his robes, her hands clenching the fabric between her fingers.  
  
"I miss you Draco." She choked out.  
  
"Shh.." he whispered into her ear.  
"I cant live without you Draco." She trembled, her shoulders shaking in fear.  
He tightened his grip. "I thought you didn't care all this time.." slowly he pieced it together in his head.  
"You did this to yourself" he said, stepping away from her, lifting her wrist to chest height staring down at it. "Because of me your doing this to yourself."  
  
He kissed the soft damaged flesh of her wrist., and pulled her close to him feeling how small shed become without him.  
  
She couldn't speak, she was crying so hard. She nodded her head, swallowing hard.  
  
"I did." She whispered finally. "Nothing I did to myself hurt as much as seeing you with Blaise."  
  
Draco pulled her back in close to him again.  
  
"All that happened was what you saw, a kiss that meant nothing with a girl who is NOTHING compared to you" he stated.  
  
Her body felt frail and tiny in his powerful arms, he pulled her as close as possible and she wrapped her arms around his neck as it to hold herself up.  
  
"I won't hurt you again Pansy. If you don't hurt yourself."  
"I wouldn't hurt myself if I am with you" she cried. "I didn't even know I had this power in me, without you I was more empty and hollow and cruel than I had been in my life."  
  
He kissed her forehead as she spoke.  
  
"I thought I hated you so much, when all I hated was not knowing how to live without you." Pansy declared.  
  
"Shh. Im here now." He replied.  
She looked into his eyes, tears still falling form her eyes.  
  
"For me?"  
"For us." He promised. "Forever."  
  
And with that he kissed her, chasing away any doubt in her mind, any fear saving her from self-destruction.  
  
"I missed you Pansy" he said, touching her cheek., his voice quiet, his eyes looking to the floor.  
  
"I think only you can ever understand how much."  
  
He moved his left hand up from where it was pressed against her back. She looked down to the wrist, blinking as it felt like her heart stopped. He had a set of burns that matched hers.  
  
La Fin.  
  
That was my continuation to "what went wrong"  
  
I thought it was kinda romantic in a sense that they were both destroying themselves over each other, yet the both felt the exact same way. Ahhhh true love.  
  
I am a cheese ball.  
  
R and R and above all..enjoy!  
  
-Joanne 


End file.
